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I am the pariah. [entries|friends|calendar]
Felicia

[ website | Operation Orange ]
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Wow, A lot has happened [14 May 2005|12:41am]
[ mood | loved ]

Let's see, where to start .......

Well, I broke up with Chris on my Birthday. I still miss him, which is a given because I love him but it just wasn't working. He couldn't give me the attention that I need.

Two weeks after breaking it off with Chris I started dating Tym, the new love of my life. He is awsome, really sweet, AND he gives me the attention I need. Plus I can just hang out with him and chill with our friends. We have been dating, like two weeks now. It will be a month the 25th.

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I DESERVE BETTER [13 Mar 2005|01:49pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Why do you fucking treat me like I'm nothing! Do I mean so little to you! We were supposed to spend today together and you just left to go to Milton! You didn't even bother to call and tell me! I don't deserve to be treated like that, I deserve so much more! I didn't go to that party because I knew that you didn't want me to go, even though you didn't say it bothered you and now you leave me to go to Milton! What the fuck is in Milton! What is so important! Is there some other girl there or something! Why do you treat me like this!?

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National Self-Injury Awarness Day [01 Mar 2005|04:00pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Tuesday March 1st! National Self-Injury Awareness Day!
Self Injury Awareness Day - March 1st
1st March is Self Injury Awareness Day.

SIAD is a global awareness day, and yet it is not supported by any
nations'
governments, because it is a grass-roots idea. Somehow, in the mists of
time, the date was set as the 1st of March, and organisations around
the
world make extra efforts to raise awareness ready for SIAD.

The colour for some reason is orange. Some people wear an orange
ribbon, but
in the past SIAD bracelets have been worn:

- Orange beads if you self harm;
- Orange and white if you used to;
- White if you have never self harmed but understand.

If you agree that people should be made aware of this issue and this
day,
re-post this in your journal.

Thanks For Your Time All This Is An Important Topic For Me.
<3 Barbara

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La la la [15 Feb 2005|04:38pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

hello all! I haven't posted in forever due to lack of internet. Now it's back but I don't know for how long.

2 Walked away| Stand by me

Suicide [03 Nov 2004|05:53pm]
[ mood | content ]

this is serious.. i am normally not the "serious" type but this just gets me all upset. i saw it in one of my friends journal and i want the message to be passed around. never hurt yourself because it will hurt others more than it will hurt you.. and the people that care about you.. if your reading this i am one of those people who care..

Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electricute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone.


What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.


What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.


What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too.


But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it.


Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son?


The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.


Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.


You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.


You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? -Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left.


Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.


***IF YOU’RE READING THIS, PLEASE STEAL IT AND PUT IT IN YOUR JOURNAL TOO.***

Stand by me

[16 Oct 2004|10:10pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Okay, haven't really updated lately but nothing has really happened. Chris and I have been together a little over a month and still have yet to really "kiss" it's driving me crazy! Tomorrow we are going to the park and I will fix that quick, fast, and in a hurry. I just found out that my Aunt Sondra knows how to reach my real dad. She will tell me if I ask but I don't know if I want to meet him or not. I'll talk to Chris and Megan about it later.

Stand by me

[25 Sep 2004|10:17pm]
[ mood | Look isn't the horny guy great ]

You know it feels really good to stop traffic. I was wearing these back and red pinstripe Capri's and a black spaghetti strap shirt with my black and white converses. I had on black eye liner all the way around my eyes and super red lipstick. When I was walking to McDonalds I had some guy stop in the middle of the road and just stare. It was flattering but kinda scary. Then earlier that day I had some people honk at me. Today was a real confidence booster. I would have rather spent it with Chris though. Oh, well my Mom said she might take me to see him tomorrow. Not much else has happened. Oh, I found out one of my best friends is Bisexual, Amanda. She is hot too. Her, her boyfriend Curt (Curtis) and I were talking about her and I hooking up but Chris wouldn't go for that at all. He doesn't want my with other people, girl or guy. Which sucks! Well, goodnight.

Stand by me

[13 Sep 2004|11:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Okay, I am sick and tired of fucking hurricanes. I am out of school until Friday which sucks because that means I won't see Chris until Friday. Damn he needs to get a car! My brother is carrying on a conversation with someone in his sleep! Okay so Sunday wasn't so bad no one woke me up. She went home shortly after I woke up because I got up around 12. If you read my other journal (lips_stainedred) then you'll know what I'm talking about. Nothing much else to say, nothing has really happened yet.

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[13 Sep 2004|11:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Okay, I am sick and tired of fucking hurricanes. I am out of school until Friday which sucks because that means I won't see Chris until Friday. Damn he needs to get a car! My brother is carrying on a conversation with someone in his sleep! Okay so Sunday wasn't so bad no one woke me up. She went home shortly after I woke up because I got up around 12. If you read my other journal (lips_stainedred) then you'll know what I'm talking about. Nothing much else to say, nothing has really happened yet.

Stand by me

[09 Sep 2004|06:44pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Okay so I got Chris this hat that say's Maverick Mechanic (he is a mechanic). I also baked him like 30 chocolate chip cookies. I got him this card that says "the answer is: sex and money" and on the inside it says "the question is: Name two things your probably not gonna get on your birthday." He loved them. He said that if I keep cooking like I do then I will have complete control over him. Not much else to say except that my friends Brett and Megan broke up. Well, she broke up with him. They have been dating for 7 months or something like that.

2 Walked away| Stand by me

[01 Sep 2004|06:50pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Okay, so Chris asked me out today. It was great he turned 5 shades of red. It was adorable! It was something like this:

Chris: "I was gonna do something today."
Me: "What?" (My friend Christina told me he wanted to ask me out that morning on the bus.)
Chris: "Hold on"....."um"...."huh, um, yeah"...."um".... (spanning over two minutes of that)
Chris: "Will you go out with me?"
Me: (5 seconds later) "Yeah"

Chris' 19th birthday is Tuesday the 7th. I have no idea what to get him! If you have any ideas as to what I should get him, let me know....please!!! Okay, I need some help. That guy that was hitting on me, Patrick, gave me 2 bracelets a couple days ago and I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to give them back because that would hurt him and I dont want to do that and I don't want to keep them because I don't want to give him false hope about us getting together. I can usually "read" guys but I just can't get this one. I really, REALLY, don't want to hurt anyone but I'm sure I already have.

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Hell ya I'm in the minority!!!!!!!!! [30 Aug 2004|06:09pm]
[ mood | loved ]

98% of the teenage population does/has tried pot. If you're part of the 2% who hasn't, copy this in your journal.
_--------------------------_


Okay that guy asked me out today. I said no because I'm still not over my last relationship and I'm still trying to make it work. He said that it was okay and that if it doesn't work out he'll still be there. I thought that was really sweet. He got me two bracelets, one hot pink and one black, both have one little heat charm on them. They are really pretty. I don't know what to do about them though because I don't want to give them back because that would hurt his feelings and I don't want to keep them because that might make him think that there is a chance for "us". Chris wrote me a note here it is:

Felicia,
Hey, whassup? I should be the one sayin sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. You had every right to act the way you did. I should never done that to you. I'm sorry I haven't wrote or talked to you in a while. I just ... don't want to hurt you ever again. I don't really know what else to say except, I'm sorry.
LOVE always
Chris
________________________________________

I love him so much. I really hope this works out. I'll let ya'll know how it goes.

Stand by me

[29 Aug 2004|01:13am]
[ mood | weird ]

I caught Chris holding another girls hand and haven't talked to him for a week Monday. Listen to this one guy who keeps flirting with me. He is really sweet. These are the notes he wrote me:

________________________________________

1st note -

Felicia,
Hey. What's up? I just wanted to know something, has anyone ever told you you were beautiful! It's true, you are beautiful. That's just my opinion, but it's true nonetheless. If you want you can call me around 7 or 8 tonight, or you can give me your phone #. Whatever is more convenient for you. My phone # is 892-####, call if you choose.

Merry ye meet, merry ye part
Patrick

________________________________________


2nd note -

Felicia,
Has anyone ever told you that you resemble Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Beauty.

Aphrodite
She is the beacon of love and beauty,
She is the lighthouse for the soul.
May she lead the lost sailor
On his way
May her love warm the cold hearts of many.

Just a poem I whipped up out of the blue. Write back if you wanna...
Or come by my place: ### ------- --- ---.-
Or just see me after class I leave the choice to you
-Patrick-

________________________________________

3rd note -

(Felicia)
Aphrodite,

Come,
Take my hand,
Tome into the land,
Let's get away,
If just for one day,
Come into the land,
Where everything is ours,
For a few hours.
Let me see you stripped,
And let me hear you make decisions,
Without televisions.
Don't listen to what other people say,
You are a model of perfection,
You are uncorrupted beauty.
Will you be mine,
And give me time?
I'll be yours,
And love never bores.
So, will you take my hand,
And come into the land,
Where everything is ours,
For just a few hours.
Lets get away,
If just for one day.
So will you?

Love,
Patrick
XOXO

PS This is a poem for a the most beautiful goddess, from but a lonely man.
________________________________________

Okay so should I be
A: Falling head-over-heals for this hot senior who calls me Aphrodite and writes me poetry.
B: Terrified of this hot senior who calls me Aphrodite and writes me poetry.
or
C: Weirdid out by this hot senior who calls me Aphrodite and writes me poetry.

Please someone tell me what I should do.

4 Walked away| Stand by me

Chris loves me, he really loves me! [19 Aug 2004|06:38pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Listen to the note Chris wrote me yesterday and today.

YESTERDAY:

Hey beautiful, whassup? So how was your summer vacation? Mine was pretty good. I worked at Sonic in Milton. I started gettin fat from all the free food. I'm glad school started. I missed you so much. It sux that we don't ride the same bus anymore. I was bein serious, you and Brett should come over some time. I'm always home. I have no life so I don't really go anywhere. So how do you like all your classes? I don't like my 3rd block class. I got Mrs. Kilmer (she's a bitch)! Well ~/~
love ya lotz
Chris

TODAY:

Felicia,
Hey beautiful, whassup? I'm sorry your summer was boring. I'm watching Shrek. It's one of the best movies ever. That'll do donkey, That'll do. lol! I love Shrek and donkey. I wanna see Shrek 2. I saw the beginning of it but then I passed out in the theater. I was really tired. I was so upset when I woke up. Well, ~/~ I'm getting tired. Sorry so short.
love ya muches
Chris

No, I don't know what ~/~ means but I'll ask him tomorrow, if I remember. You know those couples who write notes to eachother and find new ways to say I love you and the end ... well, that's us. I think that that is disgusting but cute and the same time (only cuz it's Chris).

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Goodbye! [10 Aug 2004|05:02pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

This life sucks!
Goodbye!

6 Walked away| Stand by me

Back to school [05 Aug 2004|05:05pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Okay, so I started school today. Here is my class schedule:



Family Dynamics - SALLEE, CHERYL
Art/2-D and 3-D - GRICE, JOHN M
English II - RHODES, KRISTEN
(Then I have lunch and then I go back to English.)
Science - KING, TAMMIE

Yes, I have a 9th grade science but only because I took 9th and 10th grade history last year. I'll have 10th grade science next semester. I have to go get my schedule changed. I have to change out of Mrs. Sallee's class 1st block and into Geometry. I need to take Geometry because on the FCAT Math there is a lot of Geometry. I also just don't want Mrs.Sallee's class A: because at one point or another you have to either write a 5 page essay of carry around a crying baby doll for a week, and B: I already know how to cook.

Stand by me

Ha ha! [03 Aug 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | tired ]

This is so true it's scary!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:Loyalty
In a survival situation, you:Fight, but reluctantly
Your hidden talent is:A beautiful mind
Your gift is:Artistic talent
In groups, you:Observe others' behaviour
Your best quality is:Your protectiveness
Your weakness is:Your furious temper
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Stand by me

It's okay. [01 Aug 2004|01:08pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Amanda was fine, her computer kept kicking her off. It really scared me. I can't say what was wrong with her because she asked me not to say anything to anyone but I can post this part of our conversation.

anti ziggy7 [9:38 PM]: how do u know the diffrence between a really big crush and love?
LipsStainedRed [9:38 PM]: i'm not sure.
anti ziggy7 [9:38 PM]: becuase my parnets think that me and curt are just onther bf gf couple
LipsStainedRed [9:39 PM]: with chris it's just different than anything I've ever felt before
anti ziggy7 [9:39 PM]: see i love curt and they dont get that
anti ziggy7 [9:39 PM]: but when you hurt and feel actual pain when your not around someone i dont thats a crush
LipsStainedRed [9:40 PM]: like everytime I think about him i get this tightening feeling in my heart like it's pulling itself into a ball
anti ziggy7 [9:40 PM]: when that person only makes you feel good and never the other way around i dont think thats liking someone
anti ziggy7 [9:40 PM]: ya thats how i feel
anti ziggy7 [9:40 PM]: i feel the same about him now as i did 10 months ago
LipsStainedRed [9:41 PM]: like.....not a day can go by without you thinking about him.....theres always something that reminds you of him
anti ziggy7 [9:41 PM]: yes
anti ziggy7 [9:41 PM]: i think about him way too much
anti ziggy7 [9:41 PM]: but it makes me happy when i think about him
anti ziggy7 [9:42 PM]: espacally when i get to see him
LipsStainedRed [9:42 PM]: yeah
LipsStainedRed [9:42 PM]: like it always feels like you havenyt known him that long but at the same time you feel like you've known him forever
LipsStainedRed [9:42 PM]: like theres not enought time in the world to
LipsStainedRed [9:43 PM]: .......to.........just be with him
anti ziggy7 [9:43 PM]: like his parenst proablly hate sme cuz i want to talk to him all the time i just wish i could have a recording of his voice not cuz its hot just cus i love to hear him
anti ziggy7 [9:43 PM]: ya like i can spend 8 hrs with him and feel like maybe 2
LipsStainedRed [9:43 PM]: its the little things he does like the way he pronounces some words
anti ziggy7 [9:44 PM]: haha curt cant say orange
LipsStainedRed [9:44 PM]: or the way he zones out
anti ziggy7 [9:44 PM]: its so cute
LipsStainedRed [9:44 PM]: lol
anti ziggy7 [9:44 PM]: he says like oweenge
anti ziggy7 [9:44 PM]: ya
anti ziggy7 [9:44 PM]: ha i love it
LipsStainedRed [9:44 PM]: or his smile even though its not perfect, but you wouldnt want it any other way
anti ziggy7 [9:45 PM]: or like sometimes when he thinks he has just done the greatest thing in the world
anti ziggy7 [9:45 PM]: This one time curt bought me a monkey ,you should of seen him he was so proud of himself like a 3 yr old going potty in the toilet for the 1st time
anti ziggy7 [9:45 PM]: haha
LipsStainedRed [9:45 PM]: the way you feel like you could float away when you think, talk or see him
LipsStainedRed [9:46 PM]: awww
anti ziggy7 [9:46 PM]: it was so swwet tho
LipsStainedRed [9:46 PM]: yeah
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: or like how i revolve my day around him
LipsStainedRed [9:47 PM]: or how you count the days until you can see him again
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: ill do anything i can to bee with him
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: clean house
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: stay home for days
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: whatever
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: yes!
anti ziggy7 [9:47 PM]: me and curt went and saw the village last night
LipsStainedRed [9:48 PM]: was it any good
anti ziggy7 [9:48 PM]: god he smells good
anti ziggy7 [9:48 PM]: it wasnt as good as i thought it was
LipsStainedRed [9:48 PM]: oh, i forgot the way Chris always smells so good
LipsStainedRed [9:48 PM]: some of my friends didn't know his name so they called him "the smelly good guy" or "that guy the smells good"
anti ziggy7 [9:48 PM]: but it was all good cuz if it got to a scary part curt would put his arm around me and let me sqweeze him
LipsStainedRed [9:49 PM]: awww
LipsStainedRed [9:50 PM]: so its no question you love curt
LipsStainedRed [9:48 PM]: and i love chris
LipsStainedRed [9:50 PM]: there is no way to question it

She's "anti ziggy7" and I'm "LipsStainedRed".

3 Walked away| Stand by me

Disturbing!!! [31 Jul 2004|08:38pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Okay just read this. This is me and one of my very best friends talking:

anti ziggy7: oh pleased be yuou
anti ziggy7: please?
anti ziggy7: please
LipsStainedRed: no
anti ziggy7: what do u mean no
LipsStainedRed: its its the flying penguin of doom
anti ziggy7: it has to bima bout to kill myself and i need some one to talk to
anti ziggy7: noooo
LipsStainedRed: no its me
LipsStainedRed: whats wrong
anti ziggy7: is this seroiusly felicia?
anti ziggy7: oh thank god
LipsStainedRed: yea
LipsStainedRed: whats wrong
anti ziggy7: ok u cant tell anyone
LipsStainedRed: ok
LipsStainedRed: i promise
anti ziggy7 signed off at 8:36 PM

That was very disturbing and now I'm scared! What is wrong with her! GOD, please let her be okay! I'm sooo worried! I'm gonna go check her journal and see if she put anything in there!

Stand by me

Disturbing!!! [31 Jul 2004|08:38pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Okay just read this. This is me and one of my very best friends talking:

anti ziggy7: oh pleased be yuou
anti ziggy7: please?
anti ziggy7: please
LipsStainedRed: no
anti ziggy7: what do u mean no
LipsStainedRed: its its the flying penguin of doom
anti ziggy7: it has to bima bout to kill myself and i need some one to talk to
anti ziggy7: noooo
LipsStainedRed: no its me
LipsStainedRed: whats wrong
anti ziggy7: is this seroiusly felicia?
anti ziggy7: oh thank god
LipsStainedRed: yea
LipsStainedRed: whats wrong
anti ziggy7: ok u cant tell anyone
LipsStainedRed: ok
LipsStainedRed: i promise
anti ziggy7 signed off at 8:36 PM

That was very disturbing and now I'm scared! What is wrong with her! GOD, please let her be okay! I'm sooo worried!

Stand by me

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